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the weight of my conscience
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2006|09:52 pm] |
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sometimes you get so busy in life doing things you don't really want to be doing, that you forget to find the time to do things you'd rather be doing. I guess this is growing up. |
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| these days.... |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|07:44 pm] |
you've gotta find it in some other way. it's all or nothing baby...
i've been thinking a lot about my position. and reconsidering all those things i'm grateful for. and counting my lucky stars. and the fact that i've been blessed with such an amazing family. and fantastic friends. and a perfect boyfriend. and loads of ambition (and a good mix of procrastination, obviously there for a balance and all!!).. and all those close calls. being home in the early 90s. that truck in the second grade. that car accident. my first week here and that brush with the vehicle v. pedestrian (AKA: me) on the busy downtown street. and amongst all of this calculating, i've come to the conclusion that whatever path i end up on, i'm alright. i can do this on my own. as long as i've got you to turn to. and to talk to. and to be grateful to. because i didn't come here with a second. and i know i won't leave with one. it's just been you and me. and our unity with the rest of matter and non-matter within this universe. and i'm okay with that.
because either way, this is bliss. |
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| :::tomorrow's another day::: |
[Dec. 19th, 2004|03:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jeff buckley | ] |
and as your fantasies are broken in two
did you really think this bloody road would pave the way for you
you better turn around and blow your kiss hello to life eternal
there's no time for hatred, only questions
what is love, where is happiness, what is life, where is peace
when will i find the strength to bring me release
____
indifference is worse than any form of boredom. i think of gauguin and that painting, and those words in particular: what are we? where do we come from? where are we going? and then it draws a link to ideas associated with true spirituality. and then to myself in general. and my tendency, which mirrors everyone else's tendency, to try and organize everything into a coherent structure of thoughts. to try and decode it all. in order so that i may understand. in order so that i may conquer. we all waste time thinking about conquest and progress, when it really makes no difference at the end of the road. there is no dead end that we can hit; there is no wall that we strive to leap over. it simply does not exist. in the end, we only go back to the beginning. it's a ring of uncertainty. beautiful and natural. and divine all in its own right. maybe this can try and justify the fact that all i ever do is question. and perhaps i'm lazy. unproductive. i'm aware of the fact that contemplation is my tragic flaw. i'm a hamlet in the flesh. with an ophelia figure as my weakness and everything. i don't know. i've come to realize that the more i learn the more i recognize just how little we all really know. just how much we lack in common sense and general awareness. of ourselves. of one another. of the world. and god. and all things related.
as much as i might like it here on occasion, there's something else that i feel like i should be searching out. that i know i'll never find here. not in this body. not within these circumstances. and more than anything i just want to fulfill my purpose and be done with this. be what i really am, not the personal identity that we've convinced ourselves we should formulate. we're all connected. all universal. all a part of one another. love really can be enough. the real issue is that not many people give it enough credit. and they place their faith in other completely unrelated things. when it's really love that unifies all of existence. it keeps us one with god. and makes us whole.
i don't know. maybe i'm just a fucking hippie after all. and maybe we should just ignore my babble. i remember when i was younger i always said i'd like to lead a revolution. and i always said it would be one of conquest. but there's no such thing as personal ownership of anything. we all belong to one another. i just wish we could recognize that for how simple and beautiful it really is. and along with that, recognize that a revolution of love is what we really need. again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2004|10:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | everywhere. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mogwai. | ] |
fuck. i'm just dying for some decent conversation.
honesty. pure. simple. none of that holding back. none of that having to worry about crossing the line. offending friends. no defense mechanisms of any sort. just questions. and suggestive answers. winding pathways, straight ones, without coming to dead ends. process and progress intertwined. without striving to reach some sort of goal. without the necessity for a product to symbolize our achievements in the end.
only conversation.
a meeting of the minds. or a conflict. or whatever. as long as it's open. and alive. and REAL.
sometimes i think that everyone i know comes short of being that one person i wish more than anything that i could get to know.
there's gotta be more. more than this.
as terribly ungrateful as it seems saying something like that, i refuse to be a liar to myself. there has to be something else. something bigger. not necessarily better. but something different. or similar. either or.
otherwise i'll continue to remain a mere apparition. trapped. in between worlds.
and while at times i become convinced that god (or a divine force of some sort, that i term god for lack of a better definition) may be the answer, we must first formulate the question. and as far as faith might let us travel, our primary belief should be in ourselves. and then one another. not simply in someone's word. not in prophetic sayings. those are not necessarily truths, but mere guidelines. education for a different time. left to interpretation, in accordance with cultural milieus of its day.
i don't know.
i think i wish i knew. more. everything. too much.
and then i think i already know more than enough. more than too much.
and then i begin to wonder again.
___
i just wish that people weren't so afraid to question. everything. especially that which we are taught, that which is embedded into our psyches and reiterated as the single truth. to question our conception of reality. to contemplate the seemingly impossible. to create new worlds. aspire to new visions. something more inclusive. more open. flexible. more in tune with human nature. with our genuine goodness. most importantly, more in tune with the word. our bipolarities. and our understanding. honesty in its purest sense. |
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| analyze this for me. please. anyone. |
[Apr. 18th, 2004|09:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jimmy | ] |
honestly, great fucking night.
but one line near the end of it just kinda threw me off.
so he walks me to my door, and we're kinda making out. and he asks to come in. it's like 3 in the fucking morning. i still live in my parents' house. but that's not even what's important really. what's important is the fact that it's a first date.
and now i'm kinda swinging back and forth. cause either i give off the impression that i'm sex-on-the-first-date kinda gal. or he had some expectations that i didn't. or it was a momentary kind of comment. maybe it was planned. or maybe i just blew it out of proportion.
either way, because of it, i'm sketchy. and the current state of affairs within my head means that all those good things about him are kinda hanging out in the background, and are overshadowed by that one comment.
yeah. you think she's an open book, but you don't know which page to turn to.
go fucking figure.
maybe it's just me. and my overbearing necessity to always find an excuse to indulge in bitterness and self-loathing. though in my defense, i've been so good with optimism as of late. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2004|03:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | zeppelin | ] |
"in their eyes, i would be strange and ragged and like the Prophet who has walked across the land to bring the dark Word, and the only Word i had was 'Wow'..."
-jack kerouac
yeah.
there's no limit to beauty. we all know that, even if it's strictly on a subconscious level.
life starts right here. this very moment. every second accounted for, yet every second marks a beginning. of some sort. of me. perhaps. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2004|01:01 pm] |
"when we touch upon the primal, it is just as horrifying as it is beautiful"
huh..
yeah.. |
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| stream of consciousness: the results of all the madness |
[Feb. 21st, 2004|06:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | zeppelin: since i've been loving you | ] |
i like to call this progressive literature.
ok so i start to think: kill yourself. i mean it seems like the most profitable solution to every single problem that you might have. you just don't exist. everything fades out. nothing exists. yeah, you risk, i guess, all the beautiful things that you have. there's so many beautiful things here, but, it's a win or lose kind of situation. you either take one and all. or none at all. i start to think maybe when i'm driving tonight:( thoughts continued.. ) |
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| random stuff |
[Feb. 12th, 2004|10:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sublime | ] |
something along the lines of beautiful
you watch me suffocate
in liquid air
these grand delusions
involved in an overlap
of momentous occasions
hands pinned behind my back
mouth screaming silent arrogance
fires blazing in my retina
burn all these visions to hell
the nerve endings are
the most sensitive at the tips of
your fingers
they trace a solid path
across the edge of my face
leaving burning wounds
nothing heals with product
only with process
calluses
these permanent strings embedded in
my skin
polarized in nothingness
no gender relations
only chemical imbalances
the thought of never feeling again
seems like a loose promise
it carries a strangely comforting tone. |
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| nothing compares to the feeling of self-destruction. |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|05:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | displaced | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mogwai | ] |
at most, the only times i ever feel truly in control of myself is when i'm doing harm to myself.
because i make that choice. soundly. knowing the consequences. disregarding common-sense; disregarding any element that may be a part outside of me.
fuck. what am i doing here? |
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| to boggle the mind... or to make it aware... either way... |
[Jan. 5th, 2004|11:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jeff buckley. | ] |
Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion.
i'm gonna think this out before i randomly start debating to no one. then i'll debate to no one. but more efficiently.
NOTE: i added 4 people from my other journal ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) world_overdone mainly because i don't think they'll be annoyed by my mindless contemplation. if anyone else wants to join in for some pointless wonder, please feel free to do so. |
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